Anecdotes from an Alt ModelNews, updates, and random funny stuff
As many of you know, I have started filming my own fetish videos, which has been a natural progression for me since I have been in the fetish community for quite some time. I started as an attendee at local fetish events in my neighbourhood, and was recruited as a door/coat check girl at Sin City Fetish Night in Vancouver B.C. From there I learned how to DJ and had the chance to get back into playing at the parties (in more ways than one), as opposed to being stuck behind the coat check and watching all the fun around me. Not that I didn’t have fun working the coat check, as I always enjoy sassing customers, but being out of the booth has provided me the opportunity to chat more with attendees and spend a bit more time in the dungeon.
My knowledge of the fetish scene and adult video scene is growing every day, and I am learning new things all the time. The internet has become a magical resource for me to discover all of these new fetishes I didn’t even know existed. Instead of laying silent amongst friends who make jokes referring to sexual activities such as the “dirty sanchez” or “rusty trombone”, I now have the power in my little hand to do a quick google search on my iPhone to find results on what these catch phrases mean. Of course, these are just examples of activities that many people joke about and have heard of, there are many other catchphrases you may not be as familiar with, and like many different languages and cultures, different things take on different meanings depending on where you use them. For example, pi can mean 3.1415926… or it can also mean pie, as in that sweet tasty dessert you enjoy after dinner. You’re probably wondering where am I going with this? I would like to tell you about when I learned what a creampie is. I regret to tell you, it’s not going to be the juicy story you are hoping for, but I promise it will be entertaining.
Perhaps I haven’t spent enough time watching straight porn and I am definitely not well-versed in the language or code they speak in adult movies. I admit, I like to watch fetish videos and lesbian play videos, but I find two straight people fucking kind of boring. I also find videos of women wrestling in lube, mud, and jello pretty hot, so naturally I wanted to make a video like that to sell in my clips4sale store. I did a video of me in my catsuit rubbing lube on myself because I think that is sexy, and it makes me feel sexy, and personally I do own some heavy rubber videos of ladies massaging themselves in latex and it makes me tingly to watch them so I hoped I could make other people feel tingly too. I also made a video of myself in the shower in my latex catsuit, with water splashing all over myself. In this shower video, I decided to be a bit more risqué and peeled off part of my catsuit to expose some of my body. I personally thought it was one of my sexiest videos, however it didn’t sell well at all, but at the time I was just a beginner, so looking back now, I can see where it could have been better. Plus, I can understand that not everyone has a fetish for latex-clad ladies in the shower (where my peeps at?!)
From there, I decided I was ready to bare it all. The pinup girl in me wanted to have her pie and eat it too. When I have time, I do love to bake cookies, tarts, and sweet things to give to people because I love making people happy, so why not do a video of me with a pie?! (I had considered a cake first but I thought pie would work better because it’s creamier). I’ll admit, I didn’t bake my own pie for this video, I went to the store and bought a lemon meringue pie and added lots of extra whip cream, because cream looks like jizz and people want to see creamy jizz all over a girl’s ass, right? I emptied a whole extra can of whip cream on that pie to make sure it was the creamiest, messiest pie that would ever touch my bare ass. I’d also like to point out that when you do a pie sitting video, you have one shot at sitting on the pie before its ruined, so filming it by yourself is a lot harder than having someone else film it for you. But who do you ask to film you sitting on a pie? “Hey, are you free this Saturday? I need you to help light my ass for this video where I am buck naked and I sit on a pie. Do you think you’ll be able to help pick all the pie chunks out of my bathtub when I am finished too? I’d hate for the drain to get clogged.” This is my glamorous life now.
I laid down a sheet of plastic so I didn’t make a mess in my house and I filmed the video where I sat on a pie, and then massaged the pie all over my naked body and licked my fingers covered with whip cream and told the viewers just how much I love pie. The plastic sheet got sticky and clung to my body and moved with me as I gyrated around on my knees covered in gooey pie. There was only one question at the end of the video, how was I going to get myself clean? Was someone going to lick this pie off my body, or was someone going to help me scrub this mess off my filthy body? And how was I going to get myself to the bathroom to clean this mess off when I finished filming … probably should have made a plan for that.
I edited the video and decided a good name for it would be “Evilyn13 Loves Pie” because the still photo I was going to use as promo for the video was me holding the delicious creamy pie. I logged onto my clips4sale store and uploaded the video to the creampie section, using sub-categories “food masturbation”, “wet and messy” and “object and food crush” assuming that girls rubbing food on them or sticking random vegetables in their twats was probably pretty normal for this category of film. I never bothered to actually check to see what other videos were listed in the creampie category, I figured there must be a huge fetish for pie-sitting since it has its own category. I was overjoyed to see it get so many downloads! I wasn’t sure if people were just really excited to finally see me naked, or if there was just a huge demand for girls sitting on pies and rubbing it all over their body. I shared the excitement of my success (or so I thought) with a friend, who laughed. He suggested I do a quick Google search of “creampie” or perhaps take a look at Urban Dictionary (which is a wonderful resource for things of this nature).
I was horrified.
My beautiful innocent sexy video was supposed to be a video about a cum dumpster. Urban Dictionary defines a “creampie” as “an internal cum shot; Act of ejaculating inside pussy or asshole. Also the moment after ejaculation, when the cum drips out.” I would like to point out that nowhere in this definition is there any mention of actual pie. I was devastated. Was there no fetish for people who just wanted to watch a cute little pinup girl sit on a pie? Was there a specific name for my pie-sitting fetish that I just never heard of, because I feel like creampie would be the most obvious name if we were picking one. Why aren’t people calling this ejaculation move “jelly donuts”, “Cadbury cream eggs”, or telling their friends they are going to show that girl the “Caramilk secret”. How am I going to look my parents in the eye when they ask me if I want pie for dessert? “What do you mean, you don’t want pie for dessert? You always have pie after dinner. Sometimes you even have a second helping!” My life just got so much more awkward. Why did they have to ruin pie? I can never eat pie again! My only choice now is to waste pie by sitting on it.
I immediately rushed home and changed my clip category to “food masturbation”. The video still sold, and I was pleasantly surprised that no one who purchased the video wrote in to me disappointed that they didn’t get to see me in the gyno row getting my pussy filled with jizz. I do think based on my picture and caption, it was pretty clear what you were purchasing in my store, and I hope that people who may have been confused were pleasantly surprised and maybe excited to discover a possible new fetish they never knew they had. What did I learn from this assumption? Always research the category you are about to market to before blowing your load online. To reference Twin Peaks: I’ve got a cherry pie that’ll kill ya!
* To see the video go here: http://clips4sale.com/109898/17105880
Latex catsuits are fucking hot. Not only do they look amazing because they are skin-tight and glossy but you have an excuse to get lubed-up and have your slaves rub oil all over your body to help shine you up and the sensation of someone touching you when you are in latex can be very arousing. However, there are many things one doesn’t consider before shimmying into her first latex catsuit, so I am going to answer the most common question I get when I am wearing mine. “How do you go to the bathroom in that?”
Well first of all, let’s point out that to get IN to a latex catsuit you need to prepare your body. Some people use baby powder to get into their latex, but I prefer lube as I’d rather not smell like a newborn when I am engaging in fetish activities. That’s just my preference and you are entitled to use whatever works best for you. I basically grease my body up so I look like a bodybuilder and then rub a little lube on the inside of the catsuit so I can slither into it like a snake. Don’t pull on the latex because it is fragile and could tear, so make sure you don’t use your claws or have any sharp rings or other jewellery on. Slide the latex up onto your body until it’s in the right place, but don’t force it. You may need assistance with putting your latex on, as sometimes your hands can be very slippery from all the lube and doing up zippers behind you can be troublesome, so always try and have a slave with you to help you dress. They will feel rewarded for having the honour of helping you and you will feel good knowing your latex and body are fully lubed up and ready to go!
Now that you finally have your catsuit on, how are you going to go to the bathroom? If you wear your catsuit to a fetish event, you may be stuck in it for several hours and taking it off and on constantly eats up all your play time, and no one wants to miss out on play time! Taking the whole catsuit off to use the bathroom would be very time-consuming and every woman in line to use the ladies’ room would give you the stink eye for all of eternity, plus you don’t want to be trying to hold those weird poses while you try to do up the zipper on your back in a dirty stall that barely fits a urinal. Thankfully most catsuits are made with a two-way zipper at the crotch, so you can access any area you need *wink wink*.
Let me explain by telling you about my first attempt to use the bathroom in my latex catsuit. I unzipped the crotch and had performance anxiety. My brain was telling me not to pee because I had clothing on, but my body was screaming “get this out of me!” I had to coerce my body into just letting go, which it eventually did, but as I finished my business and stood up and tried to zip myself back into place I realized I had unzipped too far. As a curvaceous woman with slippery hands covered in lube, I was having some trouble tucking my butt back into the suit to zip the lip – so to say. I kept trying, praying to God I wouldn’t accidently rip (or zip) anything by carefully giving it a tug to close the gap. Imagine yourself in a tiny dim-lit bathroom stall thrusting your pelvis forward while trying to tuck your butt cheeks into a pair of pants that feel like a slippery fish while trying to do up a zipper. It’s a hot look, I know. I managed to stay calm and didn’t think about the bathroom lineup at the busy club (cuz let’s face it, the ladies room always has a lineup). I wondered if my best solution to zip this thing up was to just open the door and ask a stranger to hold my butt cheeks in while I tried to zip up my vagina. Do you think that is too much to ask a stranger? Where is my slave when I need him? Luckily for me my patience was strong and I was able to finally and carefully zip myself in.
My second attempt at braving the bathroom in a latex catsuit was just as bad. In fear of unzipping too far and being held hostage by my poor outfit choice in the bathroom, I didn’t quite unzip far enough. As I sat there telling my brain again that it was alright to relax, I realized there was warm fluid trickling down the INSIDE of my catsuit. Sometimes I really think guys have it easy in the bathroom department. When I felt the fluid warming and puddling in my boots I cringed, there is nothing sexy about sweating in a second layer of skin in your own urine, or at least, that’s not my preferred fetish. No offence to anyone who’s fetish it is. Fool me once, shame on you catsuit, fool me twice shame on me. Lesson learned, bring my slave to the bathroom.
You will be happy to know, I have since mastered the art of peeing in a latex catsuit, I don’t need any more brain coaching, slaves or stranger help, and I am careful with my zipping and unzipping. I have discovered the perfect way to maneuver my body into a position that will allow me to zip myself up quickly and carefully. But I thought writing this out and enlightening the people who were curious, would provide a laugh at my expense, which I have no problem providing. Cheers and happy latex-lubing!
There is a rise of female DJs breaking into the music scene and I love it. In my own city of Vancouver, I have been blessed to work alongside local talents such as DJ Kasey Riot, DJ Cherry OnTop and years earlier DJ Betti Forde, who now resides in Toronto. I have ventured out to gigs to see DJ Lisa Deluxe and DJ Blenda work their magic to make the dance floor come alive. So can we please show some respect to females who put themselves out there to DJ in a previously male-dominated genre?
I have been slagged as a DJ – mostly online and mostly by men because obviously if I am a woman I can’t possibly know anything about DJing and am “just getting paid to stand behind the decks because I am a hot chick”. So let me break it down and remind you what DJing is – a DJ is a disc jockey who plays music for an audience. A DJ is not defined by their gender, or by their gear, or by what they look like, so why am I being judged? I have several residencies where I get paid to play music for an audience, so that makes me a DJ. If you have trouble accepting that, maybe you need to take a look at why that irritates you so much. On that note, let’s go back a few years to when I first started DJing.
I have always loved music. As soon as I was old enough, I weaseled my way into the clubs to listen to music and dance. I was constantly hanging out near the DJ booth asking the DJ what songs he was playing because I wanted to listen to them all when I wasn’t at the club, (obviously Shazam was not a thing back then). Music has always been a huge part of my life and has inspired me to want to become a DJ. I find it amazing that people are motivated to come together in unity over sounds to create groups where subcultures are formed and friendships are made. I wanted to be able to share my passion for music with everyone else, so I wanted to learn how to DJ. I was intimidated at first as I knew I would be judged, mainly because I was a woman, and at the time I had only ever known of one female DJ, they were a very scarce breed.
I was taught to DJ by DJ Pandemonium, a local DJ who took the time to show me how to set up the two CDJ100’s and pioneer mixer I learned on. I insisted on learning how to set up the gear first because if there was ever a technical problem, I wanted to know how to fix it. There wasn’t always going to be someone by me to hold my hand, and I knew that as a female, people would not expect me to know how to set up my own gear or know how to troubleshoot gear that was not working. Then came learning the knobs and buttons and figuring out which button does what, cueing up songs and checking to see how the next song ends so you can be prepared if it has a quick stop or gently fades out.
I practiced at home for months before my first actual DJ gig, which was at Rock-N-Roll Highschool, a Thursday night dedicated to alternative culture where we would play all the classics. I DJ’ed this night as a guest a few times, it was a labour of love for all of those involved, as it wasn’t very busy – which was OK for me because I was still learning and tweaking my new skills. Since the night didn’t really generate an income for us, it was only a matter of time before some of the resident DJs could no longer afford to give up their spare time and had to move on, and eventually my passion for music and DJing paid off and I became the resident DJ. Sure, I wasn’t really making any money from it, but it gave me the opportunity to fine-tune my skills, and play music for people who loved it.
The next step was to learn how to beat mix. This is not an easy thing to learn, counting out beats and lining them up so the transition between the songs is smooth and people barely notice that the songs have changed. I’m not going to lie, this took a while for me to master, and once in a blue moon I still have train-wreck mashups and that’s OK because most of my song transitions are smooth. DJing is not about how well you can beat mix, or how expensive your gear is, or even what kind of gear you use. In my opinion, DJing is being able to read your audience and know what songs that they will lose their minds to. You need to keep people at that club/pub/bar/fashion show/art event/whatever and make them have the best time of their life and spend money at the bar. I don’t get hired to DJ because I am a model, I was a DJ long before I was a model, I get hired to DJ because people have fun when I am spinning.
Yes, I DJ on a laptop and yes there are naysayers who claim DJing on a laptop is not actually “DJing”. But let’s talk about why I use a laptop. I was using Pioneer CDJ2000 Nexus decks with USB keys and there was actually a night when my USB keys crashed and the songs I had for playback for the performers were suddenly no longer available. Thank god, I had my laptop with me that night. I had to borrow a USB key from another DJ and throw the songs on his USB key to get the performers on and while that was happening try and find enough songs for a DJ set that I could play after the show and quickly transfer them onto another stick. I’ve also been stuck running to a corner store to buy new USB keys right before a gig, so I wouldn’t recommend USB keys as the most reliable source for DJing. I am also a DJ that travels, and its way more convenient to have a laptop with me than to rely on people to rent gear for me. What happens if I show up and they don’t have the right DJ decks and my USB keys are useless? Sure, I can DJ with CDs, but do you think I can travel with cases of them? Not really. Now that many DJs today use their laptops, a lot of clubs don’t even have gear (they usually have a mixer) so you have to bring in your own gear and it is much easier for me to bring in my laptop and controller than it is to drag in two CDJ2000 Nexus decks, plus 5 bags of CDs, so stop shitting on DJs who use laptops, its way more convenient and it gets the job done.
In time, people started to take notice of what I was doing, I was soon asked to drop a guest DJ set at Sin City Fetish Night, which is usually an event that has 300+ attendees, and it was a paid gig, so to say I was nervous was probably a huge understatement. Years later, I became a resident DJ there, (which I still am today), I was also asked to DJ at a local burlesque night called Kitty Nights West, where after a few guest sets, I became the resident DJ for 2 years. This meant I would be dealing with music cues and songs for over ten performers per night, playing backing tracks and talking on the mic (which is still something that is not my favourite part), plus DJing the dance party after the show. As time went on, my DJ circle expanded more, I am DJing the Vancouver Tattoo & Culture Show for the third consecutive year, which is a 3 day weekend of tattoos, pinup girls and rock-n-roll. I DJ’ed the Fan Expo after party in Vancouver a few years ago, and for the second year I am DJing the Forever Yours Lingerie Fashion Show in Langley. I have also DJ’d the pool party (with over 700+ guests) at Fetish Factory in Florida (this will be my third year), with last year being one of the most stressful DJ gigs in my life since the sun was melting my laptop and I had to keep my computer on a bed of ice while I DJ’ed and change the ice as it melted without getting my laptop wet and ensure the music kept playing. I also do private events, birthday parties, whatever you need, I am sure I can help you out – unless it’s a wedding, I’d prefer not to do those thanks.
There are many different reasons why women make great DJs; we are versatile, good with people, light-hearted and we work twice as hard because we know there will be backlash against us because of our gender. So when you see a female DJ in the club, don’t be that drunk asshole that says she can’t do it, because she IS doing it, buy her a drink and telling her she’s killing it. P.S. I drink rum and diet coke 😉
So if you follow my blog, you have probably come to realize that clearly I like making lists. Haha! I guess I just find it easier to talk about things if I have some sort of order to talk about them in, otherwise my ADD brain will just jump all over the place and I won’t make any sense. So here is my list of why I am super excited for Viva Las Vegas, which is happening April 14-17 this year.
Being born and raised in Vancouver BC in Canada, I am used to the cold west (wet) coast, so when I have a chance to escape and go somewhere warm and sunny where I don’t have to wear 3 layers of sweaters and scarves I am pretty darn excited about it! You may be surprised that I love the sun by looking at my pastey white skin, but fear not, I have SPF 100 and an umbrella. Prepare to be blinded by my neon white glow!
- The Pin-up Contest
I am so thrilled that I have been selected to be a potential finalist in the pin-up pageant at Viva Las Vegas! All you have to do is vote for me at www.vivalasvegas.net/pin-up-contest to help push me into the final round. Voting ends on January 29, so make sure you cast your vote before then. Oh and my name is Evilyn13 in case you forgot who’s blog you are reading. If you have a spare moment please also vote for my sister from another mister Frankie Faux under www.vivalasvegas.net/burlesque-competition so she can join me and be one of the featured performers at Viva Las Vegas.
- Hangin’ with my peeps
I’m excited to be getting away with some of my closest friends and I’m also excited to meet new friends like YOU! If you see me at Viva Las Vegas, please come and say hi! I promise you I don’t bite (that costs extra). I usually have stickers, magnets or other swag on me if you are interested and I’d love to share some of it with you. And if you are a hot pinup girl I might just share a bit more of myself with you (if you know what I’m saaaaaaaayin) *wink wink* I make a great hot mess!
- Drankin’ in a pool
I don’t really think I need to explain this. It’s my birthday the weekend after Viva Las Vegas and I’ll be working all weekend, so I am coming to Vegas to PARTY and get CRUNK! All I want for my birthday is to be surrounded by beautiful pinup girls drinking margaritas with little paper umbrellas in them, is that too much to ask? Remember what happens in Vegas – ends up on Instagram – so make sure you stay glued to my feed so you can laugh at all of my drunken adventures and hopefully this time I won’t drop my phone in the pool. Note to self – do not drink and selfie.
- The Fashion Show
Yaaaasss gurls! Come see me sissy that walk on the runway for Cinched Tight Corsets! Not only will they be showing off their super sexy line of clothing from corsets to latex and panties – oh my! But Cinched Tight will also be vending at Viva Las Vegas so you can try on their little bits and see the quality goodies they make (at totally reasonable prices) and then take them all home so you can seduce all of your lovers (maybe even at once!)
I actually LOVE bowling and I’m actually pretty good at it, however Canadian bowling is only 5 pin, so I am going to have lift some arm weights in order to compete in ten pin bowling. Bowling is also a great way to make your legs really sore from doing all those lunges… so basically I really need to get in shape before I head to Vegas. Time to start lifting kegs!
Don’t get confused because I’m going to America! I’m talkin’ about photoshoots yo! If you have a great idea or even if you don’t, if you give me enough time and resources we can probably come up with some creative ideas of photoshoots to do. If you are interested in working with me IN A PROFESSIONAL MANNER, please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Please be advised I will have a security person with me at all times when shooting, so if this is a problem for you, shooting with you is a problem for me.
To say that I won’t be getting any sleep for a week is probably a gross understatement, but it’s nothing a few cans of Redbull won’t fix! Note to self – bring Redbull. Tickets are still available for Viva Las Vegas but they are selling out fast, so if you are into beautiful babes, hot cars, jumpin’, jivin’ and throwin’ back a bottle of beer, join us for all the fun in Vegas, because who knows what might happen when you spend an intoxicating weekend with me! Note to self – do NOT get married.
Now that the New Year is almost upon us, a lot of people are making resolutions on changes they want to make. First of all remember that all of your friends and family love you for the way you are, so you don’t need to change anything drastic, but it never hurts to try and improve your quality of life if you are feeling depressed or unhappy with where your life is. I usually start my resolutions on the following Monday so I have New Years to relax and plan for the changes I want to make without feeling like a failure already. In any case, I hope these suggestions help you 🙂
- Keep them realistic.
Everyone wants to make changes in their life, but if you set goals for yourself that are too crazy, you will only feel disappointed when you don’t reach them. So instead of setting a goal like “I’m going to make 12 new costumes for Emerald City Comic Con” (which is less than 100 days away and only a 4 day convention) make a goal like “I am going to make one costume a month for the rest of this year so help me God”. Try to make a goal that is attainable so that when you reach it, you feel good about yourself.
- Don’t hate yourself if you have a cheat day.
A lot of people make resolutions about health, diet and exercise, and it’s totally OK to have a cheat day once in a while. For example, you can have a cheat day once a week where you just eat garbage all day, (for me being Canadian, it would mean a large serving of poutine), but you need to eat healthy the rest of the week to create balance. I maintain a super healthy diet all week and then on the weekend when I’m DJing I’ll have that second, third, fourth or fifth shot of tequila because I worked hard this week and earned it, I usually do hate myself in the morning, but that’s for different reasons.
- Reward yourself for meeting your goals.
If your goal was to lose weight, and you lost 20 pounds, go buy yourself a new outfit to show off your new figure. If your goal was to stop spending money on new outfits, reward yourself with a shot of tequila!
- Talk to your friends about your goals.
If they are really your friends, they will support you and help you keep your resolutions. If you are trying to get in shape perhaps you can plan an outing together where you can get some exercise such as walking to the liquor store, carrying home a 12 pack, or hauling a keg. Grab two bottles of wine and do lifts with them while you walk home! Exercising can be easy and fun!
- Plan ahead.
If you know you have to fit into that tiny outfit for a convention, fashion show or selfie. Make a plan on what you will need to do, such as shaving your legs, or skipping that tenth tequila shot so you can walk on the runway. Or if you really do need that tequila shot, plan yourself a safe ride home with someone who has directions to the nearest hospital. Whatever your goal is, make a plan on how you expect to achieve it so you can revisit No.3. Sometimes I eat lots of junk food just so I can lose weight and reward myself with new latex clothes because I don’t set unattainable goals (like not spending money on new outfits) because that shit is crazy!
Happy New Year! Have a safe and an awesome night! xoxoxoxxxx
- Self-promoting business cards – have no shame! This way all of the photographers who snap your picture can find you later, (make sure all your social media pages and hashtags are on there too) and if you think photographers won’t remember which card you gave them, get them to take a photo of you holding your card so they will.
- Lube – several of my cosplay costumes involve latex, and the only way I can shimmy into them is to grease myself up and slither in like a snake. Plus you have to shine those outfits up so you look as super as the hero you are portraying.
- Camera – since I’m covered in lube my cel phone is also covered in slime, I usually bring my small pocket camera that can fit into my purse so I can snap some photos that don’t have that soft blurred 70’s Vaseline focus.
- Makeup – sometimes when travelling, its hard to eat healthy – especially if you go out for a drink or ten at the pub with all your new cosplay friends, so I always keep some makeup in my purse because you just never know when your face is going to explode and you need that cakey cover-up for your shameful behaviour from the night before.
- Comfortable shoes – of course a lot of feminine costumes look amazing with high heels, but wearing those beasts on your feet all day can wreak havoc on your little tootsies, so be smart and carry around a pair of flats so when your body needs a rest you can slip into them and not have to leave the con.
- Snacks – spending a whole day at the con is exhausting, and the food lineups can be long and expensive, so try to pack a granola bar or two to keep your energy up while you navigate the crowds to meet all your favourite people – like me! (Kidding)
- Extra phone battery or charger – I figured your phone was a no-brainer, so I am going with extra battery since you’re going to be trying to meetup with friends and if the con is busy they will be hard to track down so you’ll need a meeting place, plus you’re going to wanna take a million selfies and Instagram all of your favourites costumes to make your followers see how much fun you are having, and all of these things take up a lot of phone juice so be prepared when your battery runs low.
- Money – this might seem obvious too, but I have made this mistake before. There are 2 things you need to prepare yourself for, the ATM lineup if you forgot money, and eating Kraft Dinner for the next month if you brought too much money. Set yourself a budget and work around it or prepare to make friends in the ATM lineup.
- Your costumes – so many times I have travelled somewhere only to realize I left _____ at home. Since then I’ve started using garment bags to keep my costumes in, that way all of the accessories and bits are stored in one safe spot together so I can just grab the garment bag, throw it in my suitcase and I know all of the pieces are already packed.
- Fun – going to a convention is fun! Dressing up is fun! Meeting people with like-minded interests is fun! So bring your best attitude and don’t spoil it for anyone else, if you aren’t a fan of someone’s costume or artwork – don’t be a jerk about it. We all have different tastes and that’s what makes the convention so colourful, so just remember to be respectful.
I finally made it to Wreck Beach.
For those of you that don’t know, Wreck Beach is Vancouver’s only nudist beach (well, clothing-optional beach, as stated on the website). I have lived in the lower mainland my entire life and had never been, I think I was really worried I would feel pressured to get naked if I went and would be scoffed at if I didn’t conform to the nudist way of life. However, this was not the case.
It’s definitely not an easy area to get to, unless you live by UBC, enjoy public transit, or wearing a helmet and riding your bike in those fancy new bike lanes. For a diva like me, the only way to get there is by car, or I would consider a rickshaw if I could find someone who could run fast fast enough to take me. Street parking is usually impossible on a sunny day, but there are a few pay parking lots close by where you can leave your car (make sure there’s nothing valuable in it cuz there’s no way you’ll A. hear your car alarm, or B. be able to make it up all those stairs in time to catch the bastard who broke in).
The beach is beautiful and very much worth the trip (its called Wrecked Beach for a reason if you know what I’m sayin’ *wink wink nudge nudge*). There are no rocks on the beach to scratch your feet as you sashay into the water, but the sand is hot as fuck, so you may want to keep your shoes on until you set up camp, otherwise you’ll be dancing the hot potato while you try and find your friends. Yes, there are a lot of old hippy nudists who sell tie-dyed blankets and whatnot and believe in keeping the nude beach nude, but none of them will really bother you or force their opinions on you. Everyone there is very peaceful and chill (and possibly high) and if you’re lucky you will be too. If you find someone selling “merch” or freezies, you should definitely make friends with them and my advice to you is to support your local independent entrepreneurs (the Bailey’s freezies are to die for). But please remember to keep everything in moderation as baking in the sun all day can dehydrate you very quickly if you are only eating freezies and cookies. Trust me. That’s a story for another day 🙂
Don’t forget to be sun smart! Since you may or may not be exposing some of your most tender areas that are possibly also the most sun sensitive (since they are probably covered 80% of the time, or 25% depending on what you do for work) its a good idea to keep the spray-on sunblock close by for re-application. I recommend the spray-on sunscreen, just in case someone needs a little help reaching an area they may not be able to, that you may not feel comfortable rubbing lotion into (onto?). There are a few vendors who sell food down there but I personally did not check them out but I believe they are cash only, so if you plan on spending the day bring some coin, or be like me and pack a lunch. I do this not only because I am a broke-ass but also because I am a picky eater, so I don’t want to walk all the way up those stairs, put all my clothes back on and then find somewhere to grab grub. That is way too much work when you are relaxin’ on the beach!
Bathrooms…. ooooh dear god the bathrooms. If you have to do a number two, please for the love of god do it before you get there. The bathrooms are really more like outhouses and you can smell them from a mile away. All I can say is take a deep breath before you go and don’t breathe while you are in there. You could DIE from that smell. It smells like someone did anyways. I’m pretty sure most people just pee in the ocean, and I’m sure some people will be grossed out by me suggesting that, but do keep in mind, we are on a beach surrounded by a forest where animals probably do this everywhere anyways, so you’ve probably stepped in animal pee at some point since you got on the beach anyways. Or you’ve probably stepped on someone’s sand-covered barf pile – not that I have ever done such a thing. *ahem*
All in all, you should check out this beach, its a staple in the west coast chillaxed culture and a landmark in Vancouver. You don’t HAVE to get naked, but being naked there is what keeps the beach a nude beach. Did I get naked? Well, you’ll just have to find me there and see for yourself 😉
Honestly I thought this place would be way sleazier, I’m sad to say I was actually a bit disappointed. I think my friends had just built up this image of the Number Five in my mind and I had expectations that went unfulfilled. For example:
The floors were not sticky. I’ve been to a few strip clubs in Surrey and New West where you actually thought people had jerked off on the floor because your shoes just kept sticking to the floor, this was not the case at the Number 5.
Trashy dancers. All of the ladies I saw dance were in really good shape and had super fake tits that didn’t even move. I guess when I was told about how sleazy this place was, and that Courtney Love had danced there I was expecting crack whores or punk rock chicks who were still working to pay for some new boobs. (Has anybody been to the Clermont in Atlanta? You know what I’m talkin’ bout!) This was not the case.
Expensive drinks. I paid like $12 for a double rum and diet, that is probably the most expensive double highball I have ever had. If this place was trashy, then we would be getting trashed right? Not unless you can afford $10 cover plus $50+ for drinks.
However…. they have a kitchen. Last night’s special was ribs…. let me ask you this: who shows up to a strip club to have a pound of greasy ribs and eats them in the gyno row while some broad is spreading her legs in front of you? I don’t know about you, but when I see those beef curtains wagging in my face I sure get hungry for ribs. I didn’t see anyone eating while I was there, so I wonder how often the kitchen actually gets food orders? How long have those ribs been sitting there? Is the sauce all dried up on those suckers?
Overall the No. 5 is probably Vancouver’s answer to a seedy strip club, but I guess I just had lower expectations.